kylie souder

Six months out and *thriving* Post grad is not nearly as horrifying as everyone makes it out to be, if anything it’s just odd at times like why do I know about health insurance or why am I saving so much money??

‘Wow Kylie, talk about your breakup one more time.’I know, I know. I’m not nearly as deranged as you think I am; it was just a pivotal moment that now serves as unlimited metaphors, so don’t worry, we’re bffs, and I know he reads these, so hi Jay (; have some Skyline for me

So, after I was dumped, I was in the whole never going to see the light of day, never love again, never feel that way again *dramatic hand grab towards the screen* mess. I mean every girl is, we’re insane and lovesick and you can’t possibly know what could be on the other side because your security blanket is set ablaze. My friend in the sixth grade used to say this horrible thing like ‘you’ll never be over someone until you’re under someone else.’ So, so gross, but mostly true. Sex aside, I think it takes that first date, or relationship or whatever it is to realize, ‘Hey, I’m actually not feeling so bad and maybe there is life after so-and-so!’

There was a guy that I talked to for a hot minute fall semester of college and I feel SO thankful for him because that was the first time I was like, ‘Ya know? I’m not gonna die alone.’ The thing about love is that there isn’t just one person out there. Maybe you have a soulmate, maybe you don’t, but you can choose to love people, choose as the verb here. Choosing is the intention action and pursuit. There isn’t just one person you’ll have the ability to love, there are thousands.

Shall we continue? 

Let’s talk about your senior year of college. Leaving college is like a nasty breakup. A really, nasty, ugly breakup. *cue the sobbing flashbacks from the war* I thought I peaked in college, I thought, ‘Wow these are the best years of my life and I’m going to never talk to my friends again, never find a job or a home, and if I can’t eat Courtside pizza, well then I’d rather be dead.’

My last week of college was a surreal blur of lasts. It sucks, obviously, I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t. None of you are ready to leave, and if you are, well, you shouldn’t be. Like a romantic relationship, you might not be ready for that college relationship to end, but most of the time it needs to end because you’re too comfortable or your individual growth is stunted or it was an abusive relationship.

When I moved to New York, (highly recommend, by the way) I didn’t know anyone or anything or how to ride the subway which severely limited my mobility options to as far as I could walk. I was like wow this sucks so much because I had so many friends and things to do and classes to take and routine in Athens. Me to me: ‘Y did u do this????’

I don’t really know when it happened, I don’t think it happened all at once, I’ve been here for six months now, but somewhere along the line I realized I’d made it, ya know? Like I’m so happy here; deliriously, SO happy here. My favorite spot in the Scripps Amphitheater became my favorite spot at Transmitter Park. Courtside Pizza became Joe’s Pizza, (arguably better). Broney’s became The Woods, Brenen’s became Sweetgreen, Cru became C3 and my old friend’s apartments became my new friends apartments.

I didn’t realize it along the way, but your favorite things about Athens that you’re so messed up about leaving, will become your new favorite places when you start to explore a new city, or rediscover your hometown (save that money, girl!) But, to find your new ‘spots’ you need to leave the house and explore and meet people and try a hundred different book shops before you find The Strand, all thanks to a recommendation from a girl I didn’t know existed when I was still in Athens.

Friendships are by far the hardest thing to leave, and for me, I deeply understood that it would never be like the way it was in college and that we were going to be out of that season I loved with them so much. What I’m SO excited to report back is that there’s hope! When you leave college, you’ll inevitably lose friendships, I know I have and am way better for it. Losing touch or moving on or whatever the situation is natural because people can be situational or seasonal. That is more than okay; some people teach you lessons and then leave and some relationships don’t make sense past college, kind of like Karen from Plant Bio where she exists only for you to copy her notes. Maybe she doesn’t make it to your post grad life, and neither does Jack the Alpha Omega Delta Pi whatever who brought nothing to your life, but the routine weekend 3 am ‘wyd?’

The friendships I’ve kept after college are the sweetest I’ve ever known and I weirdly feel better friends with them even though I haven’t seen them in 6 months or longer and I think that’s because I pursue them because I have to pursue them. Work is insane; some people work to 5, some people work to 8, some people have irregular jobs and you can’t always get your schedules to coordinate depending on the time zone. It’s in every text message, phone call, snapchat, DM, Facebook message and tweet that these relationships grow through our next seasons. I thought we all peaked in college, but I think we’re peaking every next week in our post grad. Seeing them grow and change and succeed tops anything I saw them do in college.

It’s kind of funny who stays around and who doesn’t and who becomes closer and who distances themselves, but the ones who stay are going to be around for the rest of your adult lives, and the ones who don’t will fill up your memory box to tell stories.

Making friends after college is the hardest part in my opinion, but opening yourself up has a lot to do with that. I think we all forget that a best friend isn’t something that happens overnight, and it takes weeks, months years to form those bonds, but you will. Slowly but surely you’ll build a new arsenal of homies and Gisele will become your NY Jack, and Alex will be your NY Gabe and Lindsey will become your NY Carlie and Grace will become your NY Colleen and things will feel more like home. Everyone you meet will be different and bring out a little part of you that you didn’t know you needed or didn’t know was there.

Like look at this naive little graduate, she had NO idea what was in store for her.

I know you feel like your life is ending, but it’s not. It’s going to change and look different, that’s for sure, but you’re going to find new loves and you’re going to live a life you can’t see just yet, but I’m so expectant for you to discover.

Ha! Got ya. I bet you think I was going to tell you it was joining a sorority or getting involved with campus media or living like the next day wasn’t promised, which are all important, duh, but the best thing I did in college was to fully commit to counseling. Stick with me here. For a while, it was anxiety related, but my senior year it was more preventative, if that makes sense.

So following my last post about how I became a Christian, which was largely anxiety related, this post will be about going to therapy for no reason. I had gone to counseling on and off to manage anxiety and get my meds, but two weeks before going into my senior year of college, I was dumped and trying to figure out my next steps for jobs and moving and classes and whatever else life was going to throw at me the next year, I wanted to venture out into the unknown in the right head space.

I had an intake appointment and was scheduled for regular weekly sessions with Dawn, the sweetest angel who ever lived. I say that if you don’t like counseling, you haven’t met the right counselor; highly recommend dawn, like highlyyyy recommend Dawn. Anywho, for someone who mildly thought she had things together, I was definitely caught by surprise when, in my first session, Dawn told me she was really worried about me. I was talking really quickly, my shoulders were tense and my thoughts were going a mile a minute. I didn’t really know I was someone to be worried about, so it was then I really started to take stock that when I left college, I would be ready and learn skills that I could take with me when I left.

Progressively, my speech slowed and my thoughts slowed and my body was relaxing little by little. I developed phrases to use from her when I struggled in areas of self worth and singleness and perfection and overworking and uncertainty. The things she taught me still continue to be extremely relevant in my life and I know I’d be in such a bad place had I not gone, especially with my big move and being unemployed for a hot minute and not having any friends in a new city and all the trials post grad life offers you that no one really talks about; more to come on that at a later date.

Two weeks before graduation, I had my last session with her, and we talked about graduating and moving on and how I was feeling about everything and I realized I felt fine. I had the best times of my life in college, transfixed with some obviously not so great times, and I wasn’t 100% ready to leave that chapter of my life; I don’t think any of us were. What is more important is that I felt okay about it. I wasn’t burdened by stress of not having a job or feeling like I’d die alone with five thousand cats and what she said in our last meeting me hit me hard.

We were wrapping things up when she started to tell me that she was ready to let me go. What an odd thing to say to a patient, ya know? She explained that when she met me she was deeply worried about me and wasn’t sure if she’d be able to help in the two semesters I had left. She told me that even though things weren’t perfect, she felt good about how different I was as a person and how ready I was to take on the challenges ahead.

She started crying and so obviously I started crying and it was a really sweet moment of recognizing significant progression I didn’t know I needed. I wasn’t suffering from panic disorder anymore, I wasn’t plagued by the death of a friend or anything wild that people would typically associate with needing therapy, but it was preventative in the sense that I feel comfortable in stressful situations and I can frame my mind in such a way where I can handle my thoughts on my own.

I asked about my last appointment for the next week and she told me she didn’t think I needed one. We set up a placeholder appointment where I could go if I needed to, but she said if I didn’t come, she’d know that I was ready to go.

The thing college students take for granted is alcohol pricing; last weekend I spent $7 on a BUD LIGHT. On a more serious note, the thing that college students take for granted are free resources. In college, I paid $75 a semester for weekly therapy. One hour of therapy in the real world can cost like $300. CPS has a great counseling program they’ve had a 50 percent staffing increase over the summer and have also added a satellite location in Lindley Hall.

I can’t tell you how much counseling can prepare you senior year for the future, and I can’t tell you how much counseling can help you at any point in your life. Did I like waking up at 8:30 every Monday to head to Hudson? Nope. Was it more than worth it in the long run? Yup.

Life’s pretty crazy these days; I think we could all use a little therapy.

I know why you’re here, and I’m sure you’re expecting some wildly profound story; and that’s exactly what you’re gonna to get. 

I wasn’t always a Christian. Not by any means. I grew up in the church; we were raised Catholic and went to church every single Sunday. I was baptized, received communion, was confirmed and attended Catholic school all the way up until high school. In public high school, I fought religion more, didn’t see the point; it all seemed really contradictory and I never had a personal relationship with Jesus. I was not a great person those four years; I was super moody, dramatic, rude, bratty, mean..you get the vibe. I was a selfish person living for myself and didn’t really believe in anything, much less myself.

Fast forward to college, I spent my freshman year of college doing exactly what you think a college freshman girl was doing. One of my friends actually was super religious and I thought it was so stupid and annoying to be so outward about that and believe in something so blindly. Anyways, my grandpa died my freshman year, and that was the first time someone in my immediate life had died, and I basically lost it.

It wasn’t until a while after the trauma that the anxiety crept in, slowly but surely it grew in significance until it got to the point of deciding if time off school was necessary because I spent most of my time completely paralyzed by fear. The generalized anxiety became much more focused and I couldn’t go on much longer in the state that I was. I wasn’t really sleeping or eating much, I spent every second worried about my health or the health of others, I would absolutely freak out about school and my grades and my future and my friends and relationships, and I would suffer these panic attacks that rendered me completely useless except for me calling my mom at three am that I needed to go to the hospital because I thought I was dying.

During this year, of course, I lived in my sorority house; I’m sure you’re thinking ‘oh wow what a great place to be dealing with all of this,’ except for not, because panic disorder is extremely isolating and it was me walking around the house at various hours of the night/morning because I either didn’t want to sleep because I knew I’d have a panic attack or I physically couldn’t sleep. I was in a very, very dark place. It was April 29th at about 6 am in the top bunk of my room in the sorority house I lived in when I was just weeping because I could not physically or emotionally handle it anymore.

Panic disorder was slowly killing me; I was so exhausted and so mentally spent from panicking for so long. That night/morning, whatever you’d like to call it, was probably the lowest point of my life so far, but also the most defining. I knew I needed help, but the medicine I was prescribed only did so much and I wanted it all to stop. As I sat there and cried, I don’t know why, but my last ditch effort for help was to pray. That’s how low I was, reverting to the only option I had left of a religion I didn’t believe in; y’all I hadn’t prayed in probably 6 years.

I seriously prayed, ‘God I don’t even know if you exist or what, but I can’t do this anymore and I need you to take this from me.’

In that moment I had felt such a deep sense of peace I’d never known. It was as if all of His relentless pursuits were finally being accepted, and His love for me changed the course of my life.

One of my favorite verses of scripture, “I love the Lord, for He heard my voice. He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.’ Psalm 116:1-2

I felt in those moments such an intense feeling of debt, and decided that if He could redeem me from my absolute lowest point, that I owed Him everything. I immediately began looking up Bible studies and ministries and churches and looking back into what religion looked like or what I wanted it to look like for my life. It took a while for me to explore and question and read the Bible and pray with others and be led by them to determine that Christianity was something that held deep significance in my life.

Hey, maybe you’re not into Jesus. Maybe religion burned you in the past or you feel like you have no need for it or that it’s a sham. I fully understand that not everyone believes in Christ and not everyone believes in religion in general because I didn’t use to. For people that are questioning it or looking to revisit it or exploring it for the first time, I always say that you have nothing to lose by following Jesus, but you have everything to gain #EternalLife

I know that I live and love better because I know that I am pursued by Perfect love. I am more able to forgive because I have been forgiven for all of the things I’m ashamed of and I’m sure there are plenty of things I’ll be ashamed about in the future. I’ve really come to have a confidence in myself from knowing why I was made and how He created the stars and the rivers and the flowers but finds us more beautiful, take this freaking bridge for instance; He thinks I’m way cooler than the Brooklyn Bridge. Wild. 

I’ve developed rock solid relationships with people who aim to live in a Christlike way and who build me up when I forget who my father is. I know what I want my marriage to look like because of what He created marriage for. If you’ve been bullied, betrayed, robbed, felt left alone, depressed, anxious, like there was no way out, so did Jesus. He literally has gone through every single thing you’re facing, and He even conquered death. If you’re nervous about your math exam, Jesus robbed the grave, so you’re fine babe.

If you don’t believe the Bible as testimony of Jesus’ life here on earth or the man who created you, it is one heck of a book of morality and can help you love stronger, live more purely, be slower to anger, live more humbly and offer grace to the people of the world we live in.

It’s not about memorizing all of the scripture or knowing the ins and outs of the historical intricacies or praying more beautifully than someone else; it’s not about listening to Hillsong on Spotify or attending a contemporary church, it’s about personal relationship with Jesus and accepting all of the amazing things He has in store for you and your life if you accept them.

I can’t tell you the insane amount of conversations my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter have spurred and the stirring in their hearts Jesus has placed from my desire to share the Gospel. I’m so outward about my faith because I honestly want everyone to find the joy that I’ve found and it would be selfish of me not to help others find Jesus.

Wow; you did it.

You’ve officially made it to senior year. Seriously, congratulate yourself. I know there have been countless sleepless nights, money you probably shouldn’t have spent and many nights you definitely don’t remember. But, you’re here. And I’m so excited for you.

You’ve probably been dreaming of this year your whole life, and now that it’s here you’re probably already nostalgic for a place you haven’t even left yet. This year is going to be the biggest rollercoaster ride you’ve ever been on; that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. Senior year will break your heart in places you didn’t even know you had, and it’ll fill you with the most intense joy you’ve ever felt.

There’s a lot things I could write about, but the thing I’d like to share some advice on before you go back is the concept of time. We can talk about the mushy, don’t-wanna-leave-your-friends-don’t-know-what-you-want-to-do-with-your-life-heartbreak at a later date. I know, I know, “Live life to the fullest” and all that jazz about ~living it up~. It’s true though, most of what I miss about college was the season I was in, with the people I was with and the town I was living in. Senior year is basically just you running out of time and there’s simply nothing you can do about it but try to soak it all up and definitely cry. Try and save your tears until second semester, no promises tho..

This year is going to be full of really intense classes, unless you’re like me and saved the easy ones for senior year; you go girl. You’re going to be in executive positions for your organizations, you’re going to be applying and interviewing for jobs (hopefully), and you’re going to try and split your time between friends, school, work, extra curricular and your future #yikes

You know that exam you have tomorrow? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter how it goes. Tbh, what’s another C? Graduating with honors is cool if you can, and just another cord you can order off Amazon if you don’t. Grab your notecards, head to your nearest bar and grab a Bud Light for me. You can study there, or not, and enjoy a Tuesday night with the girl from your History class. Not to be a bummer, but you’re probably never going to see her again after college; that’s okay. But she’s here with you now, so enjoy it. There should be a list of things to knock off on your college bucket list, I suggest getting them done in the first semester. Responsibilities are going to pile up later, and you’ll be faced with less and less time to do things you actually want to do with people you actually want to do it with #bffeae

On that note, let your parents come up when they want and be obnoxious, take loads of pictures and soak up the last time being in their child’s college town; whether you realize it or not, it’s a part of them and their story too. On another note, have your friends from other schools come up so they can enjoy you in your favorite place for the last times; you’re sharing all of the lasts together #memoriez

I know you’re running out of time before the ominous ~real world hits~; it hits hard, lemme tell ya. It’s also so good, so don’t worry too much, but that’s a story for another time. Anyways, you don’t have time, but what you do have is time. What do I mean by that? You are never, capital N, Never going to have this much free time. Trust me. I look out the window at work reminiscing on times that I used to go outside. What you need to do is take full advantage of it. Go. The. Fuck. Outside. Seriously. I’m not being dramatic. Go outside. Every day, all day, as often as you can. PLEASE do not sit in your apartment or your house or your classroom instead of being outside; you will be sitting inside the rest of your adult life, literally, so do all of us old people a favor and enjoy it before you join our #werklyfe

Day drink, go kayaking, read a book, watch the leaves fall, drink your favorite chai latte, talk to a stranger, I literally don’t care, just go outside. Next, get a hobby. Or 12. You know why? Because I go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch a tv show, take a shower and go to bed for the next day. You have unlimited time to do whatever it is you want. My senior year, I practiced watercoloring, did modern calligraphy, learned ballet, tried to run, did yoga, wrote half a book, shot photography, read a bunch of books, tutored football players.. you get the idea. You will never have as much time as you do right now to do whatever you want, so, please, don’t waste it. Find yourself, find your hobbies, find out how to unwind and #thrive

What should you do in your senior year?

Go to frat parties, spend stupid amounts of money at your favorite cafe in town because it’s under your apartment building, skip class because it’s 75 and sunny outside, try and study for your tests, try and pass them if you don’t, stock up on all of your college’s apparel, take pictures with friends and also take pictures of campus and all of your favorite places, make very close friends with your favorite professors because they’ll go to bat for you when it’s time to get a job, cry insane amounts of time in various places on campus about how there isn’t enough time left and you never want to leave and you’ll miss living 50 feet from your best friends.

I know you’re thinking of doing big crazy memorable things for your senior year to go out with a bang, and that’s cool, totally do those things. I think that you shouldn’t get too caught up in the planning and the events and graduation and homecoming and greek week and concerts and Halloween because, yeah, I did those things, but most of the things I remember are the quiet moments of my everyday life.

I vividly remember sitting on the steps of Tropical Tan with Carlie waiting 45 minutes to fry our skin off, running into Nathan on the deck of our journalism building (I told you to go outside), finding out there was a pool on campus and visiting Andrew at work, eating ice cream with Alli, going to Bible study with Carlie and doing silly drunk things with Jack. Graduation was a blur, I don’t remember what I did for Halloween and I don’t know  how many fests I attended, but it’s all of the in-between times where I feel the happiest looking back.

There will come a time to talk to you about the feelings you’re going to go through, but for now, just enjoy yourself, okay?

p.s. Don’t watch High School Musical 3 because you’ll cry, and it’s too early for that.

When was the last time you did something and thought, “Wow that was so crazy and fun and freeing and now my life is better because of it??” I can assure you it wasn’t because of something you already had planned or even something you wanted to do.

Okay. So I’ve been trying to write about New York for some time now, and I really just don’t even know where to start. This post is going to be the beginning of conversations around how I got to this point, how I’m doing here, what I’m doing, etc. The short story is I got a paid PR fellowship with the most rad agency ever and living here is awesome, but in the original sense of the word, “filled with awe”, “awe-inspiring.”

The only thing I can think of putting into words about my experience in New York is showing up, or saying yes. I feel like this is a very common thread in my life over the years, yes, I know, I’m only 22, let me live people #ugh

I’m over trying to make these sound like fine literature, so posts from now on are going to be written exactly like you’d hear me say it to a friend, minus the cursing.

If you know me personally, you know I’m a very careful, mom of the group, introverted control freak. I never do anything reckless or exciting and basically sit on the couch and watch Netflix documentaries about the most random of topics.

Anyways, I moved to New York, on a whim like never been to the city hello I’m now living and working here whim. I helped build a church, on a whim. I meet new friends here, all the time, on whim(s)? idk. Are you starting to get what I’m saying? Sit back and let me tell you two New York stories. I hope they make you feel things and I hope I can articulate what I’m trying to get across.

So, y’all know I love Jesus, and I was worried about New York not being religious enough for me to feel grounded, so I Google mapped churches near me and I found a really cool contemporary one close by. I went on their website and you could rsvp for a service or something, I forget, it’s irrelevant anyways, so I end up getting a text from this girl and she was like we should get coffee together and I was instantly like “…ehhhhhhh…nah.” I’m too awkward for that and I don’t want to be uncomfortable, so I was trying to blow it off, but couldn’t be rude so I made plans to get coffee and in my head, I made excuses of why I’d have to leave if it got weird.

Anyways, the day comes to get coffee and I had a super long day at work, was really tired and grumpy and I’d rather get hit by a cab than go have coffee with some girl I didn’t know. It sounds horrible, but we all have those days. I felt really bad and knew I had to go meet her, so, naturally, I complained the whole way there. I could have easily just not shown up or texted her and been like yeah sorry, I can’t. Little did I know, that would be one of my favorite nights here so far and the beginning of a lot of beautiful friendships. So here’s the deal: I showed up to the coffee place. I walked my two little legs six blocks to meet her and have a $5 hot chocolate (New York, I love to hate you). We were discussing the church and moving here and the burg we live in and she was like hey, so there’s this event at the church tonight for people who serve on staff and you should come and meet everyone. This was legit my nightmare of a situation. I hate meeting new people, and being in big social settings is like the least cool thing I can think of, but what are you supposed to say to that, so I was like “ya..let’s go…”

So we’re walking and I’m figuring out how to shut this down and be like “oh.. super sorry I forgot I have this thing,” but we had arrived and she starts introducing me to everyone and the people were so kind and authentic and welcoming and I was like woah where am I?? So I immediately get thrown into setting up the church (lil back story, they rent out a concert hall and set up and take down the church every Sunday) and I was useful and it felt ~right~ building up something that was important to me, and it was my sixth day in the city and people kept asking me how I was getting involved so quickly and I said literally I don’t know lmfao I just showed up here with that girl.

So I make innumerable amounts of new friends and the lights were twinkling and the rooms were loud with laughter and engagement and people were hugging and shaking hands and praying and I listened to one of the best sermons and worship I’ve ever been a part of, and I just sat there and looked around and wondered to myself how this all happened. It was in my decision to show up at the coffee shop and it was in my decision to follow her here. I was nervous and not looking forward to it, but can you imagine if I hadn’t shown up that day? That one choice to get a $5 hot chocolate has changed the trajectory of my life here in Brooklyn. I ended up spending 5 hours at that church meeting people and serving and worshipping and listening and learning and my heart was so full.

Did that story not make you feel good inside? Don’t worry, I’ve got one for you non religious folk, too. Mostly (;

So a week passes and my new church has 34 weekly dinner parties across New York and it was the first one for me, wow right? I got a text invite to the taco dinner and it was a 8 pm, which if you know me is problematic because I eat at 4:30 like a grandma and I’m horrifically picky, so any time food is involved with strangers, it’s a no from me. Anyways. I got off work and was tired again and had to shower and run errands, so the reoccurring thing here is that I get myself attached to things I don’t feel like doing at the time. So 7:45 rolls around and I’m at Rite Aid buying a hair dryer because my Airbnb doesn’t have one, and I’m like omg I have to get to the dinner party like right now, I can’t be late to my first one. So I’m dragging a freaking hair dryer and groceries across Brooklyn to get to this girl’s apartment I don’t know.

I get there and I step into the elevator with two guys who clicked the same floor button as me, we all make eye contact knowingly and they introduced themselves to me and I was like oh here we go, it’s about to get awkward. Except it wasn’t. So we get to the rooftop, (rooftops sold me on new york guys, swear) and people are there greeting me and offering me margaritas, as if I could refuse a marg HA, and there were chips and salsa, so I was feelin’ myself.

This guy, who I’m really hoping isn’t reading this rn, was talking to me and getting to know me and discussion was great and I was feeling very encouraged and trying to put myself out there and I was, again, making a lot of friends. So we’re all talking and eating and guys. I ate a taco. Like with stuff in it. Like with avocado and corn and pineapple and chicken. If you know me, you’re pausing here, like no she didn’t, this whole story is a lie. Except for it’s not. We ate and talked and laughed and looked out at the amazing view of Manhattan and watched the sun set and the lights twinkle and ate this delicious cake and then it was all winding down and getting pretty late. So people are leaving and I’ve been talking to this now guy friend for some time now and it was dark af and I was v concerned with getting SVU’d because we all love Law and Order duh but no one wants to end up on the show, but he was like you should come to the apartment with us and… guys, you know this now, what did I do? I went to the apartment.

So we had more discussion there and we all exchanged information and he got an alert on his phone that some satellite thing was happening in the sky so he was like you have to come see this and I was like, (what guys? What is the answer I’m looking for here?) I said yes. So we went back on the roof and it was just the two of us and he was teaching me about stars and we were talking about our journeys, and this isn’t a love story, relax, I’m just saying that we were standing on a random rooftop looking at Manhattan all lit up and the stars were out and I was thinking to myself again, how in the world did I get in this incredible situation(???) It was because I dragged my hair dryer 10 blocks to a random apartment. It was because I stayed engaged with people. It was because I accepted his invitation to the roof even though he could have been a serial killer. It was because I didn’t go home just because it was getting late. He showed up too, he was leaving the next day and could have skipped dinner to pack or gone home after eating to wake up early, but there he was, showing up. It’s about feeling validated that things like that are out there just waiting for you if you let them. Me and my coworkers downloaded Tinder earlier that day (bc ny is #lonely + food is #expensive) and I was talking to random guys across the city, (I need friends + #drinks) but then you meet someone in real life, the old fashioned way, and that’s what life’s about and I refuse to let that go.

I found myself in the blazing energy of a church that sets people free, I was worshipping with a hundred people I’d never met. In a concert hall. At 10 pm. On a Wednesday. Because I let myself. I was on the roof of a building I don’t live in. At 12 pm. On a Wednesday. With a guy I didn’t know. Watching the stars and talking about life. Now I’m realizing maybe this is a Wednesday thing… I’m just kidding. Maybe.

They say you’re never more than 20 feet away from someone you know in New York or someone you’re supposed to get to know. I was supposed to meet him. I was supposed to meet those people. I was supposed to build that church. These things are a part of my story and things that change my story. And I was tired and I was grumpy and I was not feeling up to it, but I went and my life will forever be changed because of it.

So I don’t give a ~frick~ if you don’t want to go to that new meeting, or you’re too nervous to go to that food festival by yourself or you’re tired and don’t feel like meeting up with your friend; go. You could meet your soulmate, or get hired to a new cool job, or you could find a new community, or a new favorite restaurant, or engage in a life altering experience. You’re not going to do anything if you sit home, but it’s when you leave, it’s when you say yes, it’s when you show up for coffee, that the magic happens.

~life’ssss what you makeeee it, so let’sssss make it rockkkk~

“And if you like midnight driving with the windows down, and if you like going places we can’t even pronounce, if you like to do whatever you’ve been dreaming about, then baby, you’re perfect; so let’s start right now” – One Direction // Perfect

I’ve gotten in the habit of choosing a word of the year because in my opinion, New Year’s resolutions don’t work, typically aren’t realistic and people rarely stick to them. Choosing a word of the year allows you to look at your life, find an area you’re lacking in and then dedicate an entire year growing in that word; whatever that looks like for you.

2015 was Intentional, 2016 was Authentic and 2017 is going to be Bold. It was going to be ‘bet,’ but I thought I’d do something a little less trendy.

This post is gonna be confusing, sporadic, overwhelming at times and a little bit spiritual, but that’s exactly what this next year is going to look like. Also it’ll be littered with music lyrics and inspirational quotes because you know I love them.

First things first. I’m an extremely sheltered person. I’m a dutiful daughter, I make realistic decisions, I’ve always been the mom of the group, I succeed academically in school and I’d rather have my teeth pulled than have the attention placed on me. My whole life I’ve felt in control of my appearance, my school work, my extra curricular activities and my future. It’s in that control that I’ve found safety and comfort in knowing that I had it all figured out.

William G.T. Shedd once said, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”

I’ve spent my whole life safe in that harbor, and I can count on two hands the amount of times I’ve really felt of my comfort zone. “One foot in and one foot back. But it don’t pay to live like that. So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks. For never to return.” -The Avett Brothers // I and Love and You

A few weeks after being dumped, I woke up one morning and vividly realized that this life is completely my own and I have infinite possibilities if I allow myself to take heart. Biblically speaking, ‘take heart’ means to become confident or courageous during a difficult situation. Jesus says in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Have more comforting words ever been spoken? True Identity Ministries breaks down the passage like this, “The way Jesus uses the phrase take heart here in John 16:33 is as an imperative verb. That means that he is saying taking heart is an action, it’s something we do, and that it is a possibility in our lives based off the choices we make…but it doesn’t become a reality until we actually make the choice.”

Freshman year of college I had set myself up for success joining the right clubs, working hard in school and interning in the years following. Fast forward to my senior year, I was paralyzed by fear of realizing I don’t have it all figured out. I had been working so hard towards goals I wasn’t sure I still wanted.

“Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere.” – Terry Goodkind

I don’t want to stand at the fork of my life, paralyzed by both sides, stuck in my head ruminating about the details of both. I’d like to take a leap of faith and figure it out from there. In every Christian girl’s favorite song, Hillsong United // Oceans, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me.”

Deep in my heart I know that God would never leave my side, but it’s a scary feeling being called to do or be more. He calls us out to live our wildest dreams, and all we have to do is trust in Him. Trusting is hard; it requires you to submit control to something you have no idea how it’ll work out. Last night, I realized that Mary fully trusted the angel Gabriel with the most insane prospect of giving birth to the Son of God. All she did was listen and she was led to the most important job of all the world. What amazing things could God be calling our hearts to if we just listened?

“My whole life I’ve been telling myself ‘don’t be afraid.’ And it is only now that I’m realizing how stupid that is. Don’t be afraid. Like saying ‘don’t move out of the way when someone tries to punch you’ or ‘don’t flinch at the heat of a fire’ or ‘don’t blink.’ Don’t be human. I’m afraid and you’re afraid and we’re all always going to be afraid, because that’s the point. What I should be telling myself is ‘be afraid, but do it anyway.’ Live anyway.”

If you’re getting the gist of this, I’m a total control freak. I like to have everything planned from what I’ll have for dinner to what age I want to be married by. After breakfast with a friend, I described to him what I wanted my life to look like in the future, and he asked me why I wasn’t doing any of those things now. Initially, I was pissed. I couldn’t do those things until I moved, or got my first job, or got married, or had a salary, or was different as a person.

A day later, I realized that there might not be a future; I should adopt the style I want to be wearing, I should move to a big city and struggle to pay rent because I spent my money going out with new friends, I should take adventures to the mountains and avoid mundane rituals of everyday life while I still have the chance. I don’t have a mortgage, kids or a husband keeping me from doing literally anything I want to do. I’m absolutely free to make as many mistakes as I want, while they still have little consequence.

This is my time to be reckless, to chase dreams and move across the country. I’m about to be 22 years old, and I am so scared: to move, to leave my friends, to get a big girl job, to be an adult, etc, but that’s exactly why I need to go. I’m not going to let fear keep me from doing things I feel are right for me or making big mistakes. I’d be lying if I said I know what I’m doing day-to-day or even what I’m going to do with my life. One thing that I know for certain is that for every closed door and every failed dream, “I’m learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.”

I’m deciding to relinquishing control, and not allow myself to feel comfortable because when you’re uncomfortable, the magic happens. Maybe I’ll live in a sleepy little town on a lake and work at a local bookstore, maybe I’ll become a fancy account manager at a top PR firm in a big city, maybe I’ll move from city to city experiencing new things and living the nomad life. Who knows what I’ll end up doing, but at least I’ll be living out my story, however it’s meant to unfold.

So what is bold going to look like for me?

I want to speak up when I’d rather keep quiet. I want to stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. I want to keep carrying boys on crutches’ luggage across a parking lot even though it weighs more than me because no one else offered. I want to make eye contact with people instead of looking at the ground. I’m starting to write a book I’ve always dreamed of writing; a freaking book. I want to adventure wherever my feet and my friends will take me. I want to every day make decisions that get me out of my comfort zone, because according to my homeboy Ben Rector, “Life is not the mountain tops, it’s the walking in between.” This year is probably going to be really tough, and I’m sure I’ll shy away at times when I should stand up, but I’ve never felt more ready to take chances; maybe you’ll take some with me.

life: You’re not good enough. You can’t be brave. You can’t do this.
me: Bet.

“You’re so stupid.”
“You’re never going to accomplish anything.”
“You’re too awkward.”
Would you say any of these things to your friend or even a complete stranger? No. So why do we think it’s okay to say these things to ourselves??

In our results based society, we’re encouraged to be the best, have a successful career and a perfectly curated Instagram feed. With all of these unachievable goals projected upon us through social media, it’s so easy to compare yourself to the girl next door or even a woman who lives in another country.

These comparisons and insecurities can cause the root of the self-talk problems we face every day. It’s estimated that we have up to 51,000 thoughts in a day; some are said out loud, but most are communicated subconsciously in our heads. The majority of these thoughts, for me, are negative.

In a book my small group is reading, our self-talk is metaphorically described as the closet in your home. When you outgrow clothes, they no longer fit you or serve you well, you simply get rid of them. With thoughts, though, you can never really get rid of the ones that aren’t meaningful or kind to your psyche.

I never realized how negative my metaphorical “thought closet” was until I was asked to relay the 5 thoughts I had about myself. I quickly came up with: controlling, hardworking, stressed, sensitive and small. Only one out of the five was kind to myself, and somehow I wonder why my attitude remains negative by default.

Most likely, because the thoughts that fill my head are those of unworthiness, self-doubt and vulnerability. If you’re not kind to yourself, how can you expect to lead a truly happy life? It takes real, intentional work to dispel the lies we tell ourselves day after day, year after year. Recognizing when you’re being unkind to yourself is the first step to realizing just how large of a problem our self-talk is.

When you can pinpoint when you’re making comments to yourself such as, “She’s so much prettier than me,” “He has it all together,” or “I’m such an idiot,” you can flip the script and focus on the positive. Our paths were not designed to follow each other. Each of our journeys serves a separate purpose in our individual lives. When you look at another person’s life with envy, you’re discounting the journey your life is supposed to be following. I can assure you that your path will be meaningful and bring you joy, even if it looks different than what you thought it would be.

When you’re feeling down about your appearance, realize that you are made to look a certain way because you are part of an ingenious design, and God does not make mistakes. If you’re feeling less than, realize that your worth doesn’t fall in earthly materialistic goods, but in the love you share with yourself and others. If you think you’ll never accomplish anything, remember where you are and how you got there. “‘You all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you, that’s why you’re here, in college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.'”

Cut yourself some slack every once in a while. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt like you do for everyone else. Realize that everyone makes mistakes and failing that test does not define you or the course of your life.

Healthy self-talk is so important in the role of taking care of yourself, but it’s the easiest to overlook or belittle. You might not even realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself, but know that you can always transform your thoughts and treat yourself more kindly.

You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are important. You are not stupid. Your life is not meaningless. You are not the opinion of others. Your story is your own, whatever that might look like.

Please, be kind to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t feed yourself the same lie.